Upon reading the Village of Moms blog, I came across the post Motherhood: My Other Resume as written by Amber Johnson of The Life and Times of Stella.
I may not be original but I seem to find those who are and love to share it. Hope you enjoy her resume as much as I did! I’m going to make one for me soon too. I’ll post it when I do.
EXPERIENCE
Mother, 8/17/08–present (lifetime commitment)
- Collaborate with Stella, Eleanor’s father (my husband), to ensure that she grows and thrives; oversee everything from basic maintenance, such as diaper changes and feeding, to high-level development including babbling, drooling, sitting up, laughing, and rolling/tummy time, with plans to teach her how to be kind, walk, use the toilet and drive
- Provide attention, protection, guidance and full range of entertainment services including peek-a-boo, tickling, general zaniness and impromptu songs, stories and farting noises
- Willingly put my daughter’s needs before my own while still taking care of self and providing excellent example of how to live life to the fullest
- Manage public relations; handle photography and mailing of seasonal cards and wellness updates; manage upkeep of Flickr account with near-daily shots of Stella to prevent extended family from suffering cuteness withdrawal
- Love that girl with all my heart, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year–even when her yelling reaches peak annoy-ability levels
Giver of Life, 8/15/08–8/17/08
- Gave birth to baby girl weighing 7 pounds and 7 ounces; filled with pure joy upon her arrival
- Kicked butt throughout 32-hour un-medicated labor during which baby’s head was transverse (sideways)
- Nearly broke husband’s hands with vice-like grip; will try harder next time
Grower of Human Being, 11/08–8/09
- Provided egg for successful fertilization; worried endlessly about fetus from moment of conception
- Attended prenatal yoga, birthing and parenting classes despite overwhelming exhaustion and overwhelmed bladder
- Ate enough cheese to feed all of Wisconsin for three years; consumed record amounts of grapefruit juice
- Tolerated the shooting of sharp pains up my rear-end for several months; withstood debilitating hip pain and baby’s roundhouse kicks
- Enjoyed pregnancy despite all of the above
Warrior, 10/08–02/09
- Assembled and coordinated a top-tier team of Seattle doctors, as well as two lactation consultants, an occupational therapist, nutritionist, dietitian and cranial osteopath
- Managed to maintain sanity when baby refused to eat; chugged olive oil and ate bacon in a valiant attempt to fatten starving, anxiety-ridden self and improve quality and caloric value of breast milk
- Mastered use of Supplemental Nursing System while successfully limiting use of the “f-word” to 400 times per day; managed insertion and maintenance of nasogastric feeding tube and associated pump and evil face tape and crap-tastic peripherals; sacrificed small but previously perky boobs to hospital grade breast pump
- Navigated labyrinth of hospital and health care challenges; slashed red tape and improved child’s outcome by 1000%; successfully argued case for the removal of nasogastric tube and executed successful tube weaning; produced a happier child and family as a result of round-the-clock efforts
- Analyzed growth charts, lab results and intake levels; conducted in-depth, terrifying online research on daughter’s condition and treatment
EDUCATION
The Parental Institution of Barbara and Gregory Hescock
- Coursework in everything, with an emphasis on love, the value hard work, and a good sense of humor
School of Hard Knocks - Classes included Terrible Mistakes, Bad Relationships 101, and The Awkwardness of Middle School
Sink or Swim Academy
- Curriculum revolved around parenting without anything resembling adequate preparation
SKILLS SUMMARY
General: Expert-level nurturing, crisis and conflict management, hazardous waste handling and sanitation, budgeting, soothing, teaching life skills and morals, child safety, nursery decorating, baby-wearing, silly face and nonsensical sounds mastery
Technical: Milk production, human creation, swaddling, rocking, one-handed diapering (experience with both formula and breast milk poop platforms), bottle maintenance, reflux abatement
COMMUNITY SERVICE
- Contributed a new member to the human race
- Responsible raising of a kind, compassionate, contributing citizen
- Adept removal of screeching baby from public places, ensuring a peaceful community
- Addition to the world of a love that grows by leaps and bounds each and every day
